


The Deconstruction Of A First Love

by SecretLoveNote



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, First Love, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-18 22:59:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4723469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretLoveNote/pseuds/SecretLoveNote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of all of the things Lexa could have pictured herself doing, writing out her future feelings for her first love to her past self was not even in the realm of rational things she ever imagined. But as she stares down at the finished product in her hands, she feels oddly at peace: it's as though she is holding a tangible piece of her heart's past in her hands and yet she is still completely whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Deconstruction Of A First Love

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I'm trash and I should be updating my other fic, You Thought This Was A Love Story? (Isn't It?), but I wrote this piece of crap instead because I was feeling nostalgic and I've been editing the next chapter to the other fic for weeks now but I'm not happy with it. This was written in Lexa's POV and everything she is describing (Costia) actually happened/were my feelings in real life except the happy ending part and the race of the girl that was my first love. Feel free to yell at me for being horrible at updating or tell me about your own first love in the comments!

_There are things I could tell you about her that you can clearly see: the way her teeth seem to form her words rather than her mouth from years of using a retainer and having braces or how some days, her eyes give her away when the the dark chocolate of her irises slips from view and instead you're met with a stare as black as coal. You should love her extra on these days._

_I could talk for hours about how her hair color will constantly change; purple or blue hues that she can't wait to try next will be her favorite topic but she will always go back to blonde because that's what she feels prettiest in. When it does change, don't be afraid to tell her she's beautiful in all the colors of the rainbow; when she asks what your favorite is, be sure to whisper how you too love the blonde the best. Don't miss your chance to tell her it's because she reminds you of sunflowers in the summer with roots as dark as her skin but petals as bright as her smile. Just looking at her will make your heart feel warm._

_I could tell you all about the swaying of her hips: they dance to a beat that will make you swoon every time she runs to hug you or simply sits in your lap. You'll try (and fail) to keep your eyes off of her when she dances but when you realize it's utterly useless, you'll wonder why you were ever naive enough to not watch the beauty unravel from her body's slow rhythm in the first place. She'll claim she isn't any good, but those years of dance lessons she took as a child have carved themselves into her bones and found homes in the spaces your hands occupy when she asks you to dance with her._

_If you are looking hard enough, which you should be, you'll definitely see the freckles on her nose after going swimming when her foundation isn't covering her beautifully imperfect, sun-kissed skin. When you ask to kiss them and she gives her consent, kiss every single one of them. They are fallen stars mapping out constellations just for you so in turn, each one deserve their own praise. You'll want to kiss her lips afterwards, but it won't be the right time. For the moment, just enjoy her hidden freckles and bask in the beauty of the stars you can see in the daylight. Don't worry about the ones you hope to see behind your eyelids with your lips pressed to hers._

_Don't even get me started on her well-hidden baby hairs. She won't believe you when you say you love them but she will smile and tell you about how she named them. You'll come to learn she proudly equates them to her own little devil's horn. Some days they will be lost in her massive expanse of curls, but occasionally they will sneak away from the pack and catch your wandering eyes. You won't tell her you see them because you've come to learn she will immediately run to the nearest bathroom to camouflage them once again. Listen closely to every single detail when she tells you the story of the infamous first sighting of her baby hairs, even if it's not that interesting, simply because she laughs when she tells it and the carefree smile she has on her face while doing so will send shock waves right to your heart. Besides, her laugh is simply too contagious to not elicit a response._

_At this point you've already fallen, you just don't realize there's no way to get back up. Though there are so many physically beautiful things you will come to love about her, it's the things you can't see that will eventually break your heart such as the sound of her voice._

_You'll hear her before you see her almost every time: she's not hard to find in a crowd when she talks as though she's at a rave at any given moment and her hair resembles the dwindling remains of a firecracker. When she calls you on the phone and you talk for what seems like forever, try to push for more than that because if you thought her voice was beautiful in person, you were not prepared for the way it sounds crackling through your phone and right into your ear at 10 o'clock on a Wednesday as she sneaks away from a party her parents are hosting just to hear you better. Don't tell her you were on the brink of sleep before she called because she is better than any dream your brain could possibly conjure up anyway. When she gets sick and her voice lowers a few octaves, the slight rasp will make you think bad thoughts; bite your lip, bite your tongue, you can even bite your hand. Don't scare her away by acting on your hormonal thoughts and focus instead on finding ways to help her get over her sickness. You're allowed to be disappointed when you catch whatever she had anyway and realize that you could have kissed her because the outcome would have still ended up being the same. You won't regret it though because her newly un-sick voice telling you how alluring you now sound is almost worth the missed opportunity._

_You'll want to cry the first time you find out about her body issues: when she texts you and wakes you up at 2 am to tell you she threw up for no reason you'll want to believe her but the doubt will linger even as you stay up with her for another thirty minutes until she falls asleep. Don't tell her you didn't go back to sleep that night in case she needed you again. You can't see her thoughts when she's nibbling on the snacks you start bringing specifically for her to make sure she's actually eating because sometimes she 'forgets'. You can't hear the words her inner demon whispers at her during every bite. You will cry when you unknowingly make her throw up because she thinks she's going to lose you: no amount of apologies can make up for the heavy guilt that will rest on your shoulders._

_You can't see her intentions. You won't see it coming when she no longer wants to be your 'friend'. You'll pick through your memories trying to pinpoint the exact moment you ruined everything. You never could tell exactly what she was thinking and maybe that should have been a red flag. Maybe you were just a phase to say she went through one. Maybe it didn't feel like home to her when you finally kissed her on her bed in her room as she sat in your lap kissing you back. Maybe you were too blinded by your toxic love for her to see that she didn't love you now, and maybe she never did. You won't be able to see anything, figuratively or literally, for a while because your eyes will be watering: when you break down and cry, you'll be alone and heartbroken. You won't see her, but you'll still feel her: her soul will forever be stamped into yours, only yours is beaten and battered while hers walks away without a scrape._

_I could continue telling you all about the parts of her you can't see, but I can also tell you about the new part of you you'll carry forever: the ability to love. You will know you are capable of loving changing hair, hungry eyes, nose freckles, the voice of an angel, an awful secret, and everything her. You won't ever be able to stop loving her. You'll just have to live with it and that's okay because the pain will have subsided to a dull ache you only feel during your weakest moments. I could tell you that three years later you'll be sitting somewhere miles away, writing about a girl that didn't stay thinking maybe you'll never be alright, but you can't bring yourself to regret letting her teach you what it feels like to fall in love and fall apart all at the same time. I could tell you about how, when you do finally meet 'The One', her hair will be naturally blonde and she will never want to dye it. Her eyes will be the kind of pale blue that makes you feel like you're flying every time you look into them. She will have the cutest mole you've ever seen right above her lip and even though you thought freckles were your favorite, you'll realize you love this single star that represents home more than any constellation. Her voice will break and bend but your name on her lips is all the healing you'll ever need. She'll tell you all her secrets and you'll tell her all of yours, even the one about your first love which you've kept hidden all these years. You'll realize everything you thought you knew has led you to this very moment: everything has led you to her. And you'll never forget your first love but you will always remember your last._


End file.
